digital catharsis

Dear Inigo,

Yes, I called you Inigo. I know we are still uncertain as to what you will be – a boy or a girl – but we decided to give you that name provisionally, until tests confirm of your sex. I did not give you that name because I wanted you to be a boy. I just want to call you by a name, that’s all. If you become a girl, it wouldn’t matter. My love will be the same. I love you unconditionally and undoubtedly.

Welcome, my child, into this world. I am your father. You may not see me yet, but I know you can hear me, not my voice, but my feelings from within. I may not see you yet too, but I can feel your presence in my heart.

From the day I realized of your existence, I knew I found true happiness. Everyday that you were growing inside your mommy’s tummy, my emotions are growing as well. My love for you filled my heart as well as some worries of how I could possibly give you everything in this world and keep you safe from any harm.

I can’t believe that even as I sit here writing this letter, a child of mine is growing, getting bigger and bigger, stretching his little arms and legs and doing everything he can do to get himself ready for the world. I am so anxious to meet you, Inigo, and get to introduce you to your family.

Your mommy is so excited, that her eyes light up whenever we talk about you. Who will you look like? Will you have my dimples, or will you inherit your mom’s long limbs? Will you be as smart as mommy or will you work as fast as daddy? Ah, so many questions! And we will just wonder until you come here with us.

As I feel the excitement and joy, I am also scared while being overwhelmed by all the new responsibilities that lay ahead. I know that I should take good care of your mom while you are still inside of her. When you come out, I will be taking care of the two of you, and your brothers or sisters when they come out next. I just wonder if I can be a good father to you, and if I could be able to provide for all your needs. I wonder if I can always be available if you need somebody to talk to. I wonder if I can be the ideal father you want me to be.

There was a time in my life when I had wants and desires. Now that you are here, my prayers, dreams and hopes are for your happiness and health. I want to protect you from every hurt, pain and disappointment in your life, although I know that would not be possible, or even helpful to you. But as long as I live, you will have me as a friend, well-wisher, nurturer, guide and guardian. I will be your father. I may not be a perfect father for it is something I haven’t done before and it is something I cannot rehearse, but I can try to be the best that I can be. I will not ask anything in return, except for your respect to me and to your mother as your parents.

To be honest, I worry so much about you right now, that you will not be able to get all the things you need to grow, that something is going to happen and we might lose you. I was talking to my friend the other day and I was talking about you and how I couldn’t wait for you to be born so that I could stop worrying about you. Then a thought struck me: I will always worry about you. – when you are 5 and headed out the door to your first day of school, when you’re 16 going on your first date or when you’re 26 and you have children of your own. I guess that’s a parent’s destiny in life, to worry about his or her children.

I have always said that I would not be one of those silly parents who sneak into their children’s bedrooms and stare at the tiny rise and fall of their chests just to make sure that they are still breathing. Now I confess I will always sneak into your room to stare at you. I guess parents don’t do it just to get the reassurance that their children are still alive; they do it so that they can be reassured that this miracle is still there, that they were not dreaming at all.

Do you know that you make me so proud? I could not believe that God has blessed me with a precious gift, a treasure. At times, I have felt unworthy of such a great task as nurturing a life. But I knew, He gave me you because He knows that I can take care of you.

One thing I should tell you, my precious baby, is that life is going to be hard. The world is not perfect and you will have your shares of bad times, too. But you can be sure of one thing: no matter how hard life is, I will love you. There is nothing in my eyes that you can do that will make me not love you. I may not be perfect, as I may stumble at times and I may even fall. But none of us knows everything, sweetheart, but I will do my best to teach you what I know and help you to learn what I don’t. No matter what your dreams are or how high you choose to reach, I will stand beside you.

I make you a promise now, before I even see your eyes or your tiny smile: You can be who you choose to be. I will never try to change you to suit my mold. I will always respect your independence and sense of self. Even if it hurts me to standby, and let you make your own decisions, good or bad, I will do it with only gentle words and kind persuasions. I may raise my voice in anger at times, but know that I do it because I love you and I want nothing but the best for you. I love you, Inigo, and when you are older and think that I do not understand you or know who you are, understand that I do. I know everything about you. I know every part of you, because I am part of your creation. From love you were conceived and in love you will grow.

For the meantime, promise me to hang on securely inside mommy’s tummy until you are big enough to come out and meet us. Try to make yourself as healthy as possible. I will be waiting here in the outside world. Mom and dad love you so much. See you soon.

Love,

Dad

This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 5th, 2007 at 2:06 am and is filed under Values. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.